When Your Spouse Doesn’t Go to Church
There are some tricky situations that come up when one spouse goes to church regularly and the other spouse will have nothing to do with it. When one spouse goes to church and the other doesn’t, it can really drive a wedge in a marriage, and when the big weekly debate is centered around, “Will you go with me this week or not,” the tension can really take its toll. Maybe, in your situation, the issue is not even discussed at all. Maybe you wish that your spouse would attend church with you but you can’t even figure out how to bring up the topic without it causing major arguments, so you just ignore the pr0verbial “elephant” in your relationship.
Whether it’s church, Bible studies/groups, extended family get-togethers, or whatever, it can feel very uncomfortable for both the spouse who desires to attend the event and the for the spouse who desires not to go.
One of the most important things is to not let your differing desires derail your marriage.
Here are some ways to help your relationship in such a situation:
1. Pray about the situation. Ask God to help you to be understanding and compassionate toward your spouse as well as for strength to deal with your own feelings. Pour out your feelings and thoughts to God, and ask Him to come into the situation and make things as they should be.
2. Have a heart to heart. Sometimes, when we’re hurt, we shut down about a topic, get angry, or try to manipulate the other person in to our point of view by guilting or shaming. If one of these describes how you are handling the situation, whether you are ignoring the situation, silently suffering, raging like a bull, or just acting plain disgusted, there is a better way.
Ask your spouse if you might both be able to set aside a half-hour to an hour to talk about something that has been bothering you. Then, decide that you are going to really share and really listen.
When you share, use “I feel” statements rather than “You always …” or “You never …” statements.
For example, “Honey, thanks for setting aside this time to talk with me. I don’t want to go on having this wedge between us in the area of x-y-z… I know we don’t see things the same way, and I don’t want that to harm our relationship. I’m (not going to shame, blame, yell, or be closed down as I often have been and for that I’m sorry), I just want to know what you really are feeling/thinking and how I can respectfully understand where you are coming from and have you do the same for me for times when I feel…(examples: scared that you might be falling away from the Lord, like I’m doing this whole family thing alone, like I’m going to make you mad if I share my feelings, afraid that if we don’t get past this that our marriage is going to suffer etc…). How can we get on the same page together?
This talk does not mean that your spouse will do what you want or that you will agree to not do what you do or go where you go. This talk is to get you on the same page as far as understanding each other’s points-of-view without adding any unhelpful emotions or expectations to it.
Then, ask each other for what you each need. For example, your spouse might say, “I have a fear of large groups, I think I need to talk with a professional about it and get on some temporary medication before I can even think about going to x-y-z.”
Or, your spouse might say, “That religion stuff is fine for you, but I do not want it rammed down my throat, and I don’t want to feel like I’m always letting you down by not going.”
Your answer to the first type of response might be, “I can understand how scary it must be to deal with that type of phobia. Please let me know how I can help, and we can work through this together.”
Your answer to the second response might be, “Thank you for recognizing that my faith is important to me. I hear that it’s not your thing, and I don’t want you going through our marriage miserable and guilty. I love you, and I will be praying that things work out for you and us, but I won’t force you to participate with me.” (Then, focus on loving your spouse with the love of Christ, putting love into action. Remember that God loves your spouse even more than you do! (Witnessing is more likely to be effective when it is loving rather than forced.)
Whatever the response of your spouse, respect their right to be heard, even if you disagree. Validate their feelings and share your own feelings and needs in a respectful way. Ask for what you need, too. For example, “Would it be possible for me to share with you about what I learn at church when something is particularly meaningful to me?” Or, “Would you be willing to join me on special occasions like x-y-z?”
The key is to open up meaningful dialogue and to weed out the negative and non-helpful patterns and replace them with positive and healing relationship building skills.
3. Take Care of Yourself. While you want to gain insight into where your spouse is coming from, don’t forget that whatever your spouse’s thoughts, you need to be able to nurture your own healing. Even if your discussion does not produce a fully cooperative spouse, you can still find your validation and encouragement in Christ. Focus on the blessings that you do have in your marriage, focus on loving the Lord, your spouse, and yourself, focus on doing the next right thing that God calls you to do. You never know how positive change may come tomorrow because you sowed positively today.
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